Time To Deal (Written October 20th 2013)

Grief is something that we all handle and deal with differently. Everyone has different "techniques" and there really is no set time that is standard across the board to measure "getting over something".

I'm the worst for dealing with it. I've been known to avoid dealing with something until it festers and affects my day to day life and relationships.

This is a hard entry. But writing really has and always will be how I deal.  I may not be underneath a tree on my portable typewriter.... But writing is writing.

The last few years of my life have been tumultuous. I was in two domestically violent relationships, one of whom I had a child with, and lost several family members in a very short time span.

During all of this I lost the most important thing to me, my faith.

As bad thing after bad thing happened I grew to detest God. I blamed him for not putting a stop to it, for not making it better. Slowly but surely, our relationship strained until it broke down completely. Resulting in almost two years of silence. How easy it is to blame someone else for your negative experiences. Placing the blame on everyone but those at fault, including yourself.

At the tip of my fingers I had every tool imaginable to end my situation and move on but seemed stuck, transfixed in time.

I recognize the fact that I cannot get through this alone. So I've started attending group therapy workshops for women who have suffered at the hands of an abusive partner; both physically and mentally. It's like attending an AA meeting, we have to admit that we have had a problem and we need to make sure it never happens again. We need to learn and grow from our mistakes, stop blaming ourselves and feeling sorry for ourselves, and start on the path towards a bright and amazing future!

So I'm starting on the road to recovery. I'm sure my path isn't going to be easy, but when is it ever? 

I'm simply grateful for those I have surrounded myself with - both friends and family! I'm blessed with some amazingly understanding and caring people in my life, and of course God!

Although I haven't always recognized it, God has been there through the good and the bad, the rough and the easy. He has blessed me with the ability to look at a situation and learn from it (sometimes longer than others!). 

Growing as a person and helping me to build my understanding of myself and those around me hasn't been an easy journey; I still struggle every day. I'm stubborn, insecure, judgemental and difficult at times while understanding, patient, loving and kind at others. I recognize the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be, so I don't ask for that in those around me. I try my hardest to accept everyone for who they are and love them for all of their strengths and weaknesses. I'm always learning, adapting, and growing and I won't stop until I'm gone. Life's about growing, we are constantly learning from ourselves and those around us. Every experience changes us and shapes us into a slightly different version of who we were before. I'm blessed to have so many like-minded and caring people in my life who challenge me on a daily basis to look outside my world view and way of thinking. I will continue to grow my strengths and accept my weaknesses. I will continue to love those around me and support them on their journey through life, I will accept that although their paths and choices are different than mine that they are still their choices and deserve support. I will continue to treat others as I want to be treated.

I won't give up and let the world and others get me down. I will keep my head held high and walk on.  

On the day I was baptized my God Mother Rise gave me this poem in a pink frame, it has hung above my bed since that day. It's always the first thing I put up each and every time I've ever moved:). I typed this out by memory, so I apologize if it's a little off.

Don't Quit
When things go wrong
As they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging
Seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.